Work

Many addicts, including myself, would love to have a button or magic pill or something that instantly 'fixes' us, instantly heals us and those we have hurt from our betrayal and addiction. We would love nothing more than to have it dealt with and then move on, never saying anything about this ever again. It would never come up ever again. We could just forget that this episode ever happened and live our life.

What comes as a huge shock is the amount of work that is involved in healing from past trauma. "Why can't God just HEAL me?" we wonder in anger, resentment, frustration, fear, etc. "Why can't we just get past this?"

The answer, unfortunately for the addict, but fortunately for those in recovery, is that work is a necessary part of not just healing, but maturing. Children complain about being hungry, they voice their displeasure loudly, incessantly, until food appears.

Addicts are like teens: self-centred, self absorbed, not worried about anything else except themselves. They bleat like children, wanting this, wanting that, wanting to be healed, wanting this all to end, wanting to avoid pain and discomfort.

But children don't prepare food; they don't work to earn money to go shopping, they don't make a list as part of their budget to carefully manage the money they've made. They don't make meal plans that take into account a work schedule, soccer practice, piano lessons et. al. And they certainly don't pull out ingredients and prepare it for human consumption. No, they just demand it.

And that defines addicts vs. the recovered. Addicts wonder why they aren't instantly healed. The recovered realize it is a long, arduous journey, with a miracle every day (Dr. Ted Roberts). The recovered realize that we have a part to play in the healing process: we need to do the work to heal.

So what is the work? Maybe that's the confusing part for addicts. You mean it's not just sitting around and talking about my parents? Well, yes, that is a part of it, but it's so much more than that. It is about being cognizant, for the first time, of feelings and emotions that you've avoided acknowledging for your whole life. It is about writing out patterns of behaviour so that you can recognize when you're on the slippery path of relapse. It's about journaling every day so you have a safe place to place your feelings. It's about making your calls, every week because you need to check in with others, every day if you need to, many times a day if you are determined to fight for and keep your sobriety.

Does this mean you will do things perfectly? Of course not. If you could, you would have already dealt with your sex addiction and you wouldn't need to read this blog. But when you fail, and you will, you look back, see what triggers set you off (an argument, an unresolved conflict from two weeks ago), what environmental factors (at a beach, at the gym, the mall), what habits you slipped back into (daydreaming, procrastination, Youtube binging, videogames) that contributed to your relapse and you resolve to be more aware of those behaviours and change your course. So the next time you are at a mall, you aren't surprised by all the women you find super attractive; if a woman walks in front you, instead of looking at her behind, you look up, or look away.

Every time you consciously choose a different behaviour than your addictive behaviour, you are exercising a muscle, you reinforce a new habit. It's like reps when weight lifting, or going to the gym: you exercise new muscles so that eventually, you'll be able to lift heavier and heavier weights.

Hopefully you are in a group, whether it's SA or Pure Desire's Seven Pillars, you know there is work to do there. Work out your Step work, or the lessons in your workbook. Don't give glib or flip answers, but rather really dig into the questions. Some of your answers will be short because these are thoughts and emotions you have never really considered before. That's fine, as long as you go through the effort. The second, or third time you go through group, you'll find that you are peeling away more layers, discovering more answers, finding more meaning in the questions and answers your find.

Finally, but really, this should be first, is the amount of time you are spending with God. A quick word: spending time reading your bible or praying doesn't guarantee change, but it is a huge factor in healing. That is to say, there is no formula. There is no "If I pray 30 minutes a day and memorize a scripture every week and journal 15 minutes a day and go to two groups every week, then I should change." Well, I could certainly agree that there would be significant change, but also that you could do all that and not change.

Commit to the process, which includes doing the work.

So go and do the work.