The Devil You Know

There is an unspoken fear among addicts, and that is the unknown, more specifically, what will happen to me if I give this up? The fear is so profound many cannot verbalize it. What are you afraid of? A shrug. But here are some possibilities:

Where will I find my identity if I give up my workaholism? I'm a pastor, a carpenter, I'm a hard worker.

Where will I find freedom? When I engage in my addictive behaviour, I'm free from my stress, anxiety, anger, sorrow.

Where can I hide? I can hide from my pain, anguish.

How will I forget? I am overwhelmed by memories, resentment, the constant replaying of my trauma, I just want to forget it and run away.

What will allow me to do all these things if I just give up my porn? My fantasizing? How will I feel like a man if I stop sleeping with my neighbour behind my wife's back?

It is this unspoken fear that prevents many addicts from taking that next step in their sobriety journey, and that is to, well, choose sobriety.

The thing is, addiction works. Your addiction makes you feel better, makes you feel safe, makes you feel manly, makes you feel good. The problem is that feeling lasts about, oh, 15 minutes, maybe. Then guilt and shame rush back in, pain and trauma knock at your door, and pretty soon you're looking for your next fix just to shut all that noise off.

Addiction works, but only temporarily. And then there's the collateral damage to consider, which addicts never do. We don't think about our wives ("What she doesn't know won't hurt her,") our children ("They're too young, it's ok, it's not like I'm hurting them,"), our families ("My dad's a jerk anyways, whatever,") our job ("I'm only taking 5 minutes to look at some porn, it's not affecting my productivity."

The fact is, all these reasons are excuses, the verbalization of the denial of reality. Those of us who are sexually broken do not want to face reality. We want to stay numb to the truth, the truth of what we are doing, its impact on those we love, and most importantly, we do not want to face the truth of who we are because we believe that we are monsters. We are the devil we know.

Dream with me, for one minute: what if, just what if, you could be free from sexual bondage, from daily pornography usage, free from the hours spent planning and fantasizing about your next sexual release, free from your apathy or self hate, free from the fear of judgement and being caught. What would your life look like if you could be free from this bondage, from this judgement?

Now be honest with yourself: what are you afraid of? Why are you afraid to give yourself fully and completely to this process, this journey? What if I were to tell you that yes, people will know, and yes, some people will be disappointed, and yes, your wife, your family will be impacted. There is not getting around that.

But, the impact on the positive side of the ledger far, far exceeds that on the negative. Instead of being afraid, you can be free. Instead of being terrified of being caught, you can share honestly about your redemption story. Instead of keeping secrets from your wife, you are free to share your brokenness, your fears, and be loved for them, not rejected. Instead of being a burden on your wife and family, you can step up and be the man God has created you to be.

Step beyond your fears. Take a step of faith. Take a step of courage towards freedom.