Community

One of the many mistakes addicts make during their sex addiction is the false belief that they can fix this alone, that they can end their addiction through their own willpower, that they can read the right book which will motivate them to end their addiction.

The problem is, they are wrong. If they could fix it or end it, they would have, and they wouldn't have an addiction.

An addiction, by definition, is any behaviour or habit that you have sworn to stop, repeatedly, only to find yourself returning to it, whatever that habit is: shopping, work, alcohol, drugs, smoking, video games, sex. If you can't stop it by yourself, it's an addiction.

Addicts, because of their inability to stop their addiction, find themselves overwhelmed with shame and believe they are the very worst offender, and that they believe they are beyond redemption.

That is why group, or community, is so important: to realize that, "Hey, I'm not the only one."

I remember walking into my first SA meeting. I had been separated from my wife for three, four days. My friend had found me the link to the Courtenay fellowship, they reached out and invited me. So there I was, not sure where to sit, what to do, looking around and thinking, "...wow. I'm not the only one." Then they started sharing.

"Hi, my name is John, and I've been sober for two weeks." (Yeah, right, whatever, I thought).

"Hi, my name is John, and I've been sober for a month." (What? Phbbt.)

"Hi, my name is John, and I'll have been sober for a year in three days!" (...OMGOODNESS HOW CAN THIS GUY JUST LOOK AT US IN THE EYE AND LIE LIKE THAT???!!)

As the check ins continued, I began to realize that hey, maybe, just maybe, I could be sober someday?

Finding community was foundational in my healing. Being able to look up to other men who had been on the journey, not just for a week or two, not just for a few months, but for years. They were determined to pursue sobriety and recovery because they hit rock bottom and knew that their addictive lifestyle wasn't just killing them but everyone they loved. Talking to other men who have been on the journey longer than I, who had travelled the road I was on, who could offer me practical and real advice and sympathy because they remembered every rut, every pebble, every stumble; because they remembered that part of the road.

What did I learn in community?

1. That I am not alone; and that my story is not unique.

2. To make my calls: not just to check it off a list of things I've done, but to call until temptation passes, to call until that raging in my soul subsided; until I no longer felt like I needed to act out.

3. To listen: some groups do not allow cross talk: other groups do. There is so much wisdom to be learned from others, so long as you have a group leader who can intervene when necessary and is courageous to do so.

4. How to be honest: with my feelings, with my thoughts, my fears and doubts, and to be honest with others.

So what groups are out there?

LOTS. SA, SAA, SLAA, Freedom Sessions, Celebrate Recovery, Seven Pillars, Samson Groups, and so many others that I haven't mentioned because I don't know. If you aren't in a group, get in a group. Get in community.

If the community you are in is placatory, just slapping you on the back and telling you it's going to be ok and then ignoring you for the rest of the week, find a different group. An effective accountability group is one that encourages you not just to admit your failures, but to make your calls when you are tempted, when you are triggered, when you are emotional (angry, lonely, frustrated, depressed, etc). Calls will save your life, but only with men who understand that sobriety is a battle, is in that battle, and has found victory, albeit small ones, in choosing sobriety every moment of every day.

Community checks in on you. Granted, usually to make their own calls and check in, but just getting a call from someone else when you're not really motivated to make that call is also a lifesaver; a prod, a kick even, when they ask, "Well Lawrence, how are you doing right now?" And that starts you into being brutally honest about where you are, how you are, and who you are.

I started with a 12 Step program: SA fellowships based in Courtenay & Nanaimo, BC. Find a local fellowship here. This is a really, really good place to start. My preference is, of course, a Pure Desire group: Conquer Series, Sexual Integrity 101, or Seven Pillars. I myself lead in-person Seven Pillar groups. But again, where you live might not have these groups available. Thankfully, you can also join an online Seven Pillars Group.

A well run group will encourage its members to 'do the work.' In 7P's instance, it's the Workbook and Journal. 12 Steps has their 12 Steps. Whichever, do the work, because when you don't do the work, you rob your fellow group members of your perspectives, your understandings, your observations, and your experiences. A rambling flow of consciousness discourse takes up valuable time.

If you are not in an accountability group, you are missing out on a hugely important and transformational part of your healing. We are wounded in community; we are healed in community. So go and seek your community and find your healing there.