The Importance of Making your Calls aka. Radical Accountability

I will forever be grateful to my SA fellowships here on Vancouver Island, in Nanaimo and Courtney. It is with them that I learned just how important and life saving a simple phone call can be.

We talk a lot about accountability groups in churches, especially in Men's Groups. It makes us feel good, like we're doing something about the sins we're struggling with. But stop me if you've heard this one:

A man speaks up at his accountability group: "Guys, I've done it again, I've watched porn, even though I've promised not to do it..." and the guys in the group say something like, "Hey man, that's really courageous of you to share that. Don't worry, don't get down, everyone struggles with it."

The next week that same man speaks up again: "Guys, I watched porn again, and I feel like garbage. It's killing my wife, and I just can't stop, I don't know what's wrong with me..." and again, the guys in his group say "Hey, it's alright. You've got this, we believe in you. Let's pray over you about this."

And again, and again, like clockwork, same admission, same confession, same words of encouragement. Remember that saying that is often attributed to Albert Einstein, "Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result each time"? That's what's going on here: a living out of insanity.

What if, instead of confessing his sin at group, he called his group members when struck with temptation? When he's had a really crummy day and all he wants to do is hide in the bathroom and watch porn? After he's had a big fight with his wife and he feels resentful and angry and trapped and insufficient, and all he wants to do is hide in his closet and watch porn to feel better? What if he were to call a group member?

I know many of you 12 Step veterans will be nodding at this but for those of you who have not participated in such a program, this is its strength and what you need to learn from them. Accountability is different from confession.

Confession certainly makes the addict feel better, and it makes him feel like he's doing something, and is an important first step. But it's just one step, and if he's serious about wanting to stop his addictive behaviour, he has to take the next step: rather than calling after he's acted out, to call before he's acted out.

Imagine how different the conversation would be if he called someone just as he's about to act out: "Hey, it's Lawrence, and I'm calling because I'm in front of my computer and I'm going to look at porn."

"No, Lawrence, don't do that, you don't want to do that, remember, what will your wife say? How will this make her feel?" This is called 'talking the addict down,' and calling before you act out gives you that opportunity to be talked down.

So how you might be asking, how do you get to this point? Because by the time you get to wanting to watch porn, you are watching porn and it's too late to intervene.

Practice. Practice making calls. Even when you don't want to make calls, you make your calls. Every day. Make one call, check in with your accountability partners (who would be other men in your accountability groups). How are you feeling, how are you doing, what stressors are presently in your life, if you're married, how things are going there. My very first call was to my SA Sponsor, and it took 20 seconds: "Hi, this is Lawrence...ok, this is really, really weird, um, yeah, I think I'm going to go now." His response? Light laughter: "No problem Lawrence, I get it. Good job making your call. I hope you call someone tomorrow."

Then make calls when you're upset or angry. Make calls when you are really, really sad and despondent. Make calls when you are fantasizing. Make calls when you really, really want to watch porn. But make a call the first time you even think about watching porn. That is the instinct you want to cultivate now: instead of giving in to your lust and desire, to have that raise up the flag that says, "HEY! MAKE A CALL!"

Remember, your addiction and Satan don't want you making calls. They would rather you stay isolated, alone, trapped in loneliness, shame and despair. They know that when you make your calls, you're dragging your temptation into the light, admitting that you can't do this alone.

And that's the hard work of sobriety; that is what fighting for your sobriety looks like. Admitting you can't do this alone, admitting that you don't have control, admitting that you need to confess temptation, anger, resentment, sorrow, loneliness, pain, as well as lust.

So make your calls. Chances are whoever you call needs to check in too, so make sure you ask them how they're doing also.