Who are you?

I remember it very clearly. How could I forget? Sitting in Dr. Ted's office with my wife, on our tenth anniversary. The night before I had taken my second polygraph test, passed, and now Jill and I were in Dr. Ted's office, getting counselling for my sex addiction. What a...memorable way to spend our anniversary.

Dr. Ted was asking if I had done my homework, which was to find a prophetic promise: a scripture verse that was a promise to me, that spoke directly to me. I mumbled Isaiah 41.13 to him:

"For I am the Lord your God, who takes hold of your right hand,

and says to you, 'Do not be afraid, for I am with you.'"

"What does that mean to you?"

I shrugged.

"Close your eyes, remember to breathe: what do you see?"

And my life changed forever from that moment.

* * * * *

As this is my first blog post, there are so many things I wanted to talk about, but ultimately, I decided on what was the most important: who you believe you are. Now, I'm not talking about the secular, feel-good-about-yourself-and-everything-will-be-fine methodology of self-identity, at least, not the end of it. Isn't it odd that despite the overwhelming message that you control your fate, that no one gets to decide what your value is except yourself, that all you need to do is believe that you are worth something and you are, despite all the science and papers and articles and dissertations stating that, the numbers of people struggling with mental health, with anxiety, with depression, with the belief that they ultimately do not matter and that they are worthless, these numbers are increasing every moment of every day.

Why is that?

And why is it that Christians, despite believing that they are loved, forgiven, new creations, still struggle with so many different addictions, like food, overwork, and sex addiction? Why is it that so many men, despite hours spent praying, fasting, confessing their sins to one another, still struggle to set aside pornography, that they would rather isolate and self-medicate than to be free?

That is, hopefully, the why of this blog, of this ministry, to help men get to the core issues driving their addiction, and to be fatally simplistic, I believe there is one main reason:

It is because, deep in your heart, we believe the lies our traumas label us. Or better still, we refuse to believe the incredible truth that God really and truly and fully does love us, every broken part of us.

Yes, we know and believe in our heads that God loves us, but do you, deep in the deep crevasses of your soul, in the closets where you keep your secrets, behind the facade and mask you wear, do you believe? Better still, do you believe that if you were to give up your addiction, the comfort it brings, the anticipation and longing, the seduction and build up, if you were to give that all up, do you believe that God would still be there? Would you believe that God holds His hand out, stretched out to you, asking you to believe and surrender?

* * * * *

That day in Dr. Ted's office, I had an epiphany, a vision, a perfect picture of how God saw - no, sees me. I saw a man and his son, walking down a woodland path, trees all around, sun shining down. The son was no older than 2, maybe 3, and walking confidently on immature legs and feet. The father looks down and puts out his hand. The son looks up, sees the proffered hand, takes it, and looks on ahead, holding fast to the father's hand. And the father's face, His face, explodes into wonder, joy, love...delight.

I remember doing the same thing; my 2 year old daughter and I walking across a busy street, and because it was busy, I put out my hand, looking down at her. She looked up at me, and without a word from me: no shaming, no word of warning, no exhortation or sound of any kind, she just took my hand because she knew that I would guide her, that she could trust me, and that I would not let anything happen to her, and she looked straight ahead with that knowledge in her heart, and my heart leapt and the joy poured forth from me and I wanted to laugh and pick her up and kiss her, and my eyes filled with tears that my daughter, my baby, would trust me so wholeheartedly, so fully, so completely.

God views us exactly that same way. He delights in every detail of our lives (Psalm 37.23b). Think about that. Every. Detail. No matter how small, how flawed, how sick, how broken, how amazing, how beautiful, how insignificant. Every. Detail. There is no part, not one iota of you, that God does not fully and completely love.

Especially the sinful parts. He loves those parts too. In fact, He died not so He could judge those parts, but rather, to resurrect them, to renew them, to breathe new life into them, to make them new. Not to cut them out, but to completely alter them. Or as Dr. Ted likes to put it, to forge them into weapons to storm the gates of hell with.

I like that.

Why is this so important to me? Because although in my head I knew that God loved me, in my heart, I didn't think it was me that He loved, but rather humanity. I didn't think that that it was me He was proud of, that He delighted in. I felt more like because He paid for all of mankind's sin on the cross, and I believed, He grudgingly gave me salvation because that was part of the deal. I was sure that when I was in His presence, He sniffed, looked around and said, "Um, what's that smell?" and His face would wrinkle with offense. I was sure that when I looked into His eyes, I would see disgust, revulsion, a forced smile used to keep back a retching noise and a polite "Oh, hi," and a very discreet backing away.

I was so sure that disgusted God because I knew I was disgusting, that what I was doing was disgusting. How could God love me?

But the reality, the truth is that God does love me, and that He died to save me. He didn't just die for the 'good' parts of me, but especially the broken parts of me. He died and rose again so my broken parts, my 'dead parts' could also be raised back to life with Him, so that my story could be redeemed.

* * * * *

As it stands, I now sit, 4+ years from that fateful meeting in Dr. Ted's office, and my life has been radically changed.

Who am I? I am God's delight, His beautiful son, His joy. When God looks down on me, it's not with disgust or repugnance, but with laughter, joy, pride. With delight.

That's who I am. That's where I'm rooted. That is the rock upon which I stand, and all the lies, the half truths, the smears, the shame, the temptations, all of that garbage that Satan throws at me, it doesn't stick because I know who I am. I know who I am in Christ.

So, who are you?